I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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