Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I still have a little drunk in my system
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
