I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
