kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
