Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
