Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
