I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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