it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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