: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
