We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We are all done wearing pants today
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
