I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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