i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
