I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
