If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
