Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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