honey bunches of taint.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
