you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
