cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When are your genitals available?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
