Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
