its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
