I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
