I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
