I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize