When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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