I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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