im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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