I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
