My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
