im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
