just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
