I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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