she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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