You really coming over, don't trick.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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