Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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