ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
