I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
