just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
