I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."