I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
