filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
