ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
