I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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