I wish life had little blips of pornography
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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