man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
