Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
