Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
