why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
