I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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