if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
