I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
