I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
