I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
