I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
