he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
