girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
