you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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