It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
