Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
