So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
