I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
