I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
