I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
