I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
