i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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