stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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