Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
