Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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